Self Reflection (Very long)

I have debated a bit on if I should make this post or not. Maybe I will hit publish or it will sit like several other items as "drafts" that never got posted. There was a little battle that brewed up on a triplet forum I have been part of pretty much since the day we found out we were having triplets. Jason made the first post and they really helped him come to terms with the thought of having three kids all at once when we were faced with the choice of selective reduction. A nice way to say abortion.
There was a recent new member(possible faker) that popped on with some very strong views and harsh words. But I'm a straight shooter so at first I was not really offended and let it roll off and posted to this person about my experience having micro preemie's and Connor's medical issues. Basically in one instance she is saying thank you for your stories, this is giving me so much info and apology and apology about how harsh she was, but that is who she is. I can totally respect that as I come off that way without intending to. Here is her very first post and intro to a forum filled with parents that have triplets or more.

So I just found out that I'm expecting 3 very healthy kiddos. I am completely freaked out. I already have one great 3 year old who will be 4 when the triplets come. My question is this - my doctors seem to be pushing having a reduction. My question to them is exactly which one of these perfectly healthy children do you suggest I kill?

I'm having a moral and emotional crisis!

I ethically don't believe in premature children and having society pay for the birth defects, time in intensive care and so on, but at the same time I am really torn because many people go to 33-36 weeks with no problem and have happy healthy children.

I am a really healthy eater, only organic all produce comes from our local farm, lots of legumes/grains, DHA, absolutely nothing that comes out of a box and has been processed in anyway and I order all grass fed meat directly from farmers. So.... I am hoping that helps.

I feel confident in my parenting skills and my 11 year marriage (my husband is a saint wings halo the whole nine), so I do not have those concerns. My one and only concern is getting these kids to term. That is it. I do NOT want a C-section (I find them boarderline butchery) and would hate to be forced into using formula, because frankly my breast is SO much easier, cleaner and more convinent (for me - not saying for everyone just it's easier for this lazy mom!). I hear many many nurses will not let you even breastfeed your babies for days - NIGHTMARE! Can they even legally do that?

Sigh, ok I'm terrified, and having a lot of angst.

Thoughts? Help? Words of wisdom? Anything?

Then she slaps everyone in the face again with the following post

"I currently have a meeting with my perinatologist to speak about the subject of letting them go if born before 29 weeks with major complications.

Needless to say things got VERY ugly at this point, including a post from me that I just lost it with this person. This has put me in self reflection mode and brought up lots of things I struggle with maybe not day to day, but things that I think about.

Did we make the right decision for Connor? Or did we make the right decision for us? Us deciding not to remove life support was that in the best interest of Connor, or was it us not being able to let go? I admit I think the decision was ultimately me being selfish. Not wanting to lose one of my precious babies no matter what. I wonder had the doctors came to us a few weeks or a month or so after birth with the same news would we have made a different decision? But having him for the 11 months before this blow we had got to see a bit of his personality and couldn't imagine life without him.


Not to mention at the beginning of our NICU ride we trusted and thought the doc's had all the answers and knew what was best. But by this time almost a year into a ton of medical stuff, we knew they didn't have all the answers and that mommy gut was the best. Mommy spent hours and hours at each child's bedside. Doctors spent less then 5 minutes a day every few weeks at their bedside as they rotated out from their week long shifts.
Am I selfish?? I don't think so. We almost lost Chloe a couples weeks after birth. I have never told anyone this I don't think. As I held her hand praying that this last ditch effort of a med they were giving would work I whispered in her ear.

I love you so very much and don't want to lose you, but if this is all too much and you need to leave me and be with God, I will always love you no matter what. But I would love for you to FIGHT. Fight and stay with me.

I was sobbing so much and I ran out of the NICU and heaved my guts into the toilet and cried my heart out. Crying a bit now. Chloe made a complete turn around and was our first to come home. As much as she drives me crazy I couldn't imagine life without her or Gwynne or Connor.






But what I think hurt the most was the lack of acknowledgment by the founder and President of this forum! The thread was pulled and a post telling us to "be kind". But no apology. All of us were reprimanded and the new member was let off Scot free. As far as we know the IP has not been banned and this person is still able to post on our forum. I think that letter from the Founder and President was yet another slap in the face to everyone that has been on TC.
There is a quote that I think sums this up and has been a favorite of mine for a very long time. I didn't get it from a great philosopher or anything, but a recording artist. And I think it is a bit fitting.

"In complete darkness we are all the same, it is only our knowledge and wisdom that separates us, don't let your eyes deceive you.” Janet Jackson